Author Topic: (Clean) joke thread. (Read 27717 times)

Edbear · « **on:** May 16, 2009, 03:42:40 PM »

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos
totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT' ...

He didn't seem upset in the least...
Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said “Oh, DAMN.” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted”.

Linkback: https://www.plumbers.nz/just-for-fun/54/clean-joke-thread/252/

Edbear · « **Reply #1 on:** May 17, 2009, 08:30:11 PM »

> Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important> meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he> said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to> Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!">> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.>> Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Edbear · « **Reply #2 on:** May 18, 2009, 12:42:28 PM »

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Edbear · « **Reply #3 on:** May 29, 2009, 03:33:04 PM »

Aviation Rules

This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June
2000?)

RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small robability of survival and
vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in
clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are "altitude above you",
"runway behind you", and "air in the fuel tanks".

And then there are the three most dangerous things in Aviation
1.Pilot with tools
2.Engineer at the controls
3.A politician with a great idea...

Edbear · « **Reply #4 on:** June 01, 2009, 03:25:43 PM »

A lawyer boarded a Continental flight in Seattle with a box of frozen Alaska king crabs and asked the blonde stewardess in first class to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's cooler.. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen. He mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Denver , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Seattle, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Edbear · « **Reply #5 on:** June 11, 2009, 09:57:06 AM »

I will never hear church bells ringing again
> without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly
> grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
> straight to her grandparent' s house to visit her
> 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she
> asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
> replied, He had a heart attack while we were making
> love on Sunday morning."

> Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
> nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be
> asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied
> granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
> we figured out the best time to do it was when the
> church bells would start to ring. It was just the
> right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
> strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
> Dong."

> She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd
> still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come
> along

Edbear · « **Reply #6 on:** June 18, 2009, 03:39:20 PM »

Tech support:** What kind of computer do you have?*

*
Female customer: A white one...*

===============*

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No** ,** wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry.... **

===============** **
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left? **
**
=============== **
**
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates. **
**
===============
Customer : Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it... **
**
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah.......................th ank you. **
**
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. **

===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... **

===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? **

=============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. **
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. **

===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. **

===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

=============== **
Tech support:** **How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it? **

===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine.' **

=============== **

And last but not least... **

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!*

Edbear · « **Reply #7 on:** June 28, 2009, 03:21:42 PM »

"sokay, we won't tell....

Edbear · « **Reply #8 on:** July 01, 2009, 10:54:40 AM »

Why cats aren't plumbers....

Edbear · « **Reply #9 on:** July 02, 2009, 11:13:53 AM »

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.'

Edbear · « **Reply #10 on:** July 06, 2009, 08:26:49 PM »

Some do it the easy way... some do it....

Edbear · « **Reply #11 on:** July 07, 2009, 12:34:52 PM »

Bear Alert

The Massachusetts State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Chelmsford, Lowell, North Reading and Carlisle areas.

They advise that people wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

Edbear · « **Reply #12 on:** July 10, 2009, 11:37:05 AM »

A little bit of Aussie kulcha.....

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Edbear · « **Reply #13 on:** July 17, 2009, 05:23:46 PM »

This is not going to end well...

Edbear · « **Reply #14 on:** July 20, 2009, 07:18:57 PM »

One wonders....

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In a forum (BBCode)	[url=https://www.plumbers.nz/just-for-fun/54/clean-joke-thread/252/](Clean) joke thread.[/url]
In a site/blog (HTML)	<a href="https://www.plumbers.nz/just-for-fun/54/clean-joke-thread/252/">(Clean) joke thread.</a>

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