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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos
totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT' ...
He didn't seem upset in the least...
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said “Oh, DAMN.” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted”.
;D
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> Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important> meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he> said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to> Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!">> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.>> Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Aviation Rules
This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June
2000?)
RULES OF THE AIR
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up
there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep
the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to
taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle
of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small robability of survival and
vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in
clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round
and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's
not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are "altitude above you",
"runway behind you", and "air in the fuel tanks".
And then there are the three most dangerous things in Aviation
1.Pilot with tools
2.Engineer at the controls
3.A politician with a great idea...
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A lawyer boarded a Continental flight in Seattle with a box of frozen Alaska king crabs and asked the blonde stewardess in first class to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's cooler.. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen. He mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Denver , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Seattle, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
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I will never hear church bells ringing again
> without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly
> grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
> straight to her grandparent' s house to visit her
> 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she
> asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
> replied, He had a heart attack while we were making
> love on Sunday morning."
> Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
> nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be
> asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied
> granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,
> we figured out the best time to do it was when the
> church bells would start to ring. It was just the
> right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
> strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
> Dong."
> She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd
> still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come
> along
::)
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Tech support:** What kind of computer do you have?*
*
Female customer: A white one...*
===============*
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No** ,** wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry.... **
===============** **
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left? **
**
=============== **
**
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates. **
**
===============
Customer : Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it... **
**
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah.......................th ank you. **
**
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. **
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... **
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? **
=============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. **
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. **
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. **
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
=============== **
Tech support:** **How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it? **
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine.' **
=============== **
And last but not least... **
Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!*
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"sokay, we won't tell....
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Why cats aren't plumbers....
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A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.' ???
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Some do it the easy way... some do it....
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Bear Alert
The Massachusetts State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Chelmsford, Lowell, North Reading and Carlisle areas.
They advise that people wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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A little bit of Aussie kulcha.....
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
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This is not going to end well...
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One wonders....
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:D
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Duck!
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
;D
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History
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Whats the difference between a doctor and a plumber??
A plumber has to go back and fix his mistakes a doctor buries them........ ;D ;D
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Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has made a startling discovery in
finding the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass deposits. The location of Governmentium deposits is found in
every state capital. with a mother lode in Washington, D.C.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
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Ummm, is this a FAIL..?
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Funny that...
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We are not amused...
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Actual Medical Record Entries Mistakes From Doctors
Discharge status: alive but without permission.
The patient has been depressed ever since
she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
Between you and me, we ought to be able
to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband,
I thought you would like to work her up.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
Both breasts are equal and reactive
to light and accommodation.
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Old Harold is in the hospital...
________________________________________
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we
ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand.
Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today '
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.' The nurse threw up!
Old Harold just smiled!
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Have you calculated your retirement?
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Do you work edbear?????
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Do you work edbear?????
;D I have been known to...
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Dear Hiring Manager,
Thank you for your letter of March 16.
After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your companies' outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Interviewee
;D
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>
> A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a
> recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
> protect them from a possible freeze.
> It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
> of the plants.. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw
> it go under the sofa.
> She let out a very loud scream.
> The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
> to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
> sofa.
> He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
> that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
> thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
> floor.
> His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
> to lie still and called an ambulance.
> The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him
> on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
> About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and
> the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
> stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
> hospital.
> The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called
> on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
> with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he
> decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
> relief.
> But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
> felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
> rushed back under the sofa.
> The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
> revive her.
The neighbour’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
> store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
> husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
> out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
> The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour
> lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
> the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle
> of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
> By now, the police had arrived.
> Breathe here...
> They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
> drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
> women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
> The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his
> sobbing wife.
> Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
> the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
> the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered
> and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
> The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
> window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
> and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
> smashed into the parked police car.
> Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
> department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
> were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
> wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a
> ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
> Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
> repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
> right with their world.
> A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
> snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they
> should bring in their plants for the night... And that's when he shot her.
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A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off.
"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated." So, the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.... :-\
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Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. - Woody Allen
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Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
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The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Holdens
You buy a ford before an engagement ring without her knowing (-10000)
You propose two days later (+15000)
You buy a parts ford (-100)
You sell the parts ford (+300)
You buy another parts ford (-500)
You tell her you are going to sell the ford when it's finished (+20000)
You were only joking (-50000)
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Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRIAN
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
(http://)
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Swearing
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f****ing Coco Pops'
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Subject: Irish Password Protection!
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it
Was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! are yez bloody stupid? Shore Oi was told mi password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!
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Subject: Irish Vasectomy
Medical advice for doctors (not orthopaedic surgeons) who do not like to do surgery.
No offence to any Irish ancestry or Kiwis or Tasmanians.
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.
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A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure, and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do and to live without regret or fear.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she is the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be more confident, sexy, seductive and INVINCIBLE!
No, wait a minute.....sorry.....I'm thinking of Tequila.
It's Tequila that does all of that.
Never mind.
:D
-
I only know enough to know I don't know enough of what I need to know enough of... ???
-
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT, AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A
YOUNG PERSON....... A STUDENT!!!
Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot, and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers, (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, Lebanese bikies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.
You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban, and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.
We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings
''Imagine,' 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing,' 'Kum Ba Ya,' 'We Are The World,' and his recent big solo hit
'Beds and Batts are Burning.'
We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative Australians, and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student
P.S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd and Jenny Macklin with you.
P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
-
Somehow this would not surprise me if it is actually true.
A TRUE STORY
Read to the end, it is good.
Cattle Guards
Australian government at work
You will love this one, I haven't stopped laughing For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
Last year, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!
Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment at the time Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And now she is running the country.
Passed on to you without further comment....
-
there is always the exception to the rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs..
· A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
-
;D
-
Malema has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,
I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who were as influential as you, but weren't quite as bad as you. NOBODY WAS!!!
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
Malema thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.
In it were Verwoerd and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said Malema. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room.
In it was Hitler with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day..' commented Malema.
The Devil opened the third door.
In it, Malema saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked
over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Malema looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said,
'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
-
The Best Smart Ass Answers
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
-
PARAPROSDOKIANS FOR YOU.
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
OK, so now enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom:-
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
-
Proof That The World Is Nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different in reverse?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No golf clubs....I hear a 3 iron works well.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.
(Is this a great country or what?)
(Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!!
-
Why men are never depressed...
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
________________________________________
-
Have a laugh
The Politicians filed back into the house after a weeks recess. They were very excited as their recess assignment from the Speaker was to hone up on their campaign skills. Their assignment was to sell something to the public, then give a talk on campaign skills.
The Greens started "We sold carbon credits and we made $3.00," they said proudly, "Our approach was to appeal to the public’s global spirit and we credit that approach for our obvious success."
"Very good," said the Speaker.
Act was next: "We sold equality to all," they said, "we made $4.50 and we explained to everyone that equality was not out of reach of the average New Zealander.
"Very good" said the Speaker.
Eventually, it was National’s turn.
The Minister of Building and Housing walked to the front of the house and dumped a box full of cash on the Speakers desk. "$4,000,000 dollars" he said. "$4,000,000 dollars!" cried the speaker, "What in the world were you selling to the public?"
"Toothbrushes," said the Minister. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the Speaker, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"We visited every Plumber Gasfitter and Drainlayer in the country," said the Minister, "We gave them each a free sample of Dip & Chip."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like political dog shit!" Then we would say, "It is political dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "We used the government approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
-
I THINK THIS I HAVE IT ALL COVERED. I COULDN'T SPOT ANYTHING I LEFT OUT.
"I am the Labor Party's Worst Nightmare. I am a White, Conservative, Tax-Paying, God fearing Australian. I am a hard working Australian and I work long hours to earn a living.
I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don't push it on others. I drive Australian-made cars, and I believe in Australian products and buy them whenever I can.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental functionary, Labor/Greens or Liberal, that wants to share it with others who don't work!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a home doesn't make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart Australian. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English. I believe there should be no other language option.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are, fellow Australians like Don Bradman, Steve Waugh, Alan Langer, Slim Dusty, Fred Hollows and the Aussie scientists who invented the bionic ear – missed a few I know.
I don't hate the rich, but hate the way they always find ways to pay less taxes. I don't pity the poor, I hate the way they are always crying that they are hard done by!!
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AUSTRALIA....We like it the way it is and more so the way it was...so stop trying to change it to look like some other socialist country! If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. (And take Julie Gillard and her group with you.) I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the Lodge, the seat of our biggest problems.
I want to know exactly, where the "Do Gooder's" get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?
Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what race, color or creed you are, but not just because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are "RACISTS PIGS". And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver's license. I think it's good....
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause....Get a job and do your part to support yourself and your family!
I believe that it doesn't take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it takes two parents....
I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!
I believe the Australian flag should be the only ones allowed to be flown in Australia !
If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes, I'm a BAD Australian. If you are a BAD Australian too, please forward this to everyone you know....
We want our country back!
My Country.....
I hope this offends all illegal aliens.
My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War. My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in World Wars 1&2. My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of 32. My father watched as his friends died in Korea. I watched as my friends died in Vietnam, East Timor & Desert Storm. Our son's and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .
None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every Australian died for the Australian flag.
At a Victorian high school foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a school flag pole. Australian students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down.
West Australian high school students were sent home, because they wore T-shirts with the Australian flag printed on them.
Enough is enough.
This message needs to be viewed by every Australian; and every Australian needs to stand up for Australia. We've bent over to appease the Aussie-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.
I'm standing up because of the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the Australian flag.
And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.
AUSTRALIANS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !
THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !
This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration !
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:
1. Get a sponsor !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past!
3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we Australians Do
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !
If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !
We've gone so far the other way...bent over backwards not to offend anyone.
Only AUSTRALIANS seem to care when Australian Citizens are being offended !
WAKE UP AUSTRALIA ! ! !
If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp !
Made in AUSTRALIA & DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!!"
AMEN
-
In order to confirm that you are no longer under the influence of alcohol
you are required to answer the question below:
Which direction is this car going?
-
Man Flu - The Facts...
1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe
out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' –
which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all
other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion
to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care,
sympathy, soup. Is that really so much to ask?
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things.
(Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work,
but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues.
In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp.
She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined.
They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them
on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Two and a Half Men” it is a
commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Charlie Sheen’s voice has remarkable
soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers
them soup, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe,
we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
:P :P
-
A heavyweight wrestler/weightlifter retires from the ring and buys a bar in central Wellington. To attract people to his new bar he puts up a $1000 challenge.
Anybody who can squeeze a drop of lemon from a ½ lemon after he has crushed it with his bare hands will win $1000.
After a few months the bar is very popular and the challenge has been taken up by dozens of people from All Black props, farmers, firemen, policemen, teachers and all manner of people trying to win $1000. However the challenge is too tough with no one able to produce a single drop.
During a particularly busy Friday evening, an older gentlemen in a polyester suit with rim horn glasses comes in and announces he wants to take the challenge. After the laughter has died down, the barman cuts a lemon in half and squeezes it with his massive hands, and then hands the wrinkled rind to the man to see if he can extract another drop.
Amazingly the man extracts another 6 drops from the lemon and hands it back to the barman who has to hand over $1000.
"How can you squeeze so hard?" says the barman.
"I work for the...........................Inland Revenue" says the old man!
;D ;D
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An actual letter to the passport office...
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable T.V. from them back in1987, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address?
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal asses working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig upYasser Arafat, I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you care whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate Citizen.
P.S... Remember
What I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang..........However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
Sincerely,
You Sure In The Hell Should Know Who I Am.
..............And you want to run our health care system?!?
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Subject: Biology Class - final exam question...
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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It Pays to Know German
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
Drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine
Haben in ihm geschissen!"
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"
The Amish man shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"
-
*PECANS IN THE CEMETERY*
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,'
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.*
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Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.
They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia 's finance minister.
Limit all Australian politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
-
AFL vs NRL...This will open your eyes...
36have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currentlyare defendants in lawsuits and
84 have been arrested for drunk drivingin the last year
Can you guess which organization this is? AFL? NRL?
Give up yet? . . .. . Scroll down
Neither,
it's the 535 members of theAUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT
in CANBERRA
The samegroup of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year, designed to keep the rest of us in line.
You've got to pass this one on!
-
Just found out my mum and dad are brother and sister......I couldn't believe my ear
-
Just how deep???????
-
WOW!! ???
-
Time to trade in the mitsi for an isuzu lol i love it when the cabs one foot off being totaly submerged and hes still got the wipers going..."Damb boys that rains so heavy today" lol
-
How did DeNiro do this without laughing? - ;)
-
hi guys,
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is
developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol'
Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get
him in the course.'
So..... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking; they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read so he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!''Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the
living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he
suddenly turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!''I sure did, Dad!''That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and was employed by the Board, lol.
-
A market research company was employed by a plumbing group to find out which way people faced in the bath – with their feet toward the taps, or their back toward the taps. They interviewed 2000 people and 1999 said they sat with their feet towards the taps, and only one person sat with their back toward the taps. The plumbing company were amazed at the result and rang the odd man out. Sir, they said, may we ask why, out of 2000 people, you are the only one who sits with their back toward the taps? The bloke replied: Because I don’t have a bath plug
-
LETTER FROM AN AUSTRALIAN CATTLE STATION PILOT
Dear Bill,
I'm writing to you because I need your help to get me flamin' pilot's licence back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate.
But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CASA Examiner. On the phone, Ron (that's the CASA feller), seemed a reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that. Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday.
First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see my plane on a small strip outside my homestead, because the authorized landing area is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the "ALA," and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off, because at the halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.
For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the examiner was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two. My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves like to move around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground! So, it's pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.
Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimised the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a flamin' headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on "All tanks," so I reckon that's OK. However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof.
I released the brakes to taxi out, but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I thought...
While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point, and then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!". "Now take it easy Ron", I told him firmly. "That often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it". I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of high octane MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly. Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight.
Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303, clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards. We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron was electric. As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.
Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 5000 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment to Ron on this unusual sight, but he looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screamin' his head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny! At about 500 feet I levelled out, but for some reason we kept sinking. When we reached about 100 feet, I applied full power but nothing happened. No noise no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "carb heat, carb heat". So I pulled carb heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was real close, let me tell you! Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would have been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now).
Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth opened very wide, but no sound emerged. "Take it easy," I told him, "we'll be out of this in a minute". Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50 feet. Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing". This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again. By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!" I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there". Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up. But by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75 foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again! Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow.
I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? I saw him running off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor bugger! Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron.
The problem is I got this letter from CASA a couple of days ago withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flaming' license. Can you?
Ralph H. Bell
Mud Creek Station
-
Prime Minister Key walked into Kiwibank to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?"
Key:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am John Key, the Prime Minister of NEW ZEALAND
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.
Key:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Key:
"I order you to cash this check!"
Cashier:
"Look Mr Prime Minister, here is an example of what we can do. One day,Lydia Ko came into the bank without ID. To prove she was Lydia Ko she pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew her to be Lydia Ko and cashed her check.
Another time, Dan Carter came in without ID. He pulled out his rugby ball and made a fabulous drop goal right through the teller window whereas the rugby ball landed in my cup. With that kick we cashed his check.
So, Mr Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of the New Zealand?"
Key stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. I don't have a clue what to do.
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr Prime Minister?
-
No Jandles No Problem :)
-
Who is Todd??????????? ;D ;D
-
Splinters in Her Crotch!
A woman who was a tree hugging greenie purchased a piece of forest near Nelson .
There was a large tree in one of the highest parts of her forest. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the local casualty department to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He looked at her and said:
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Department of Land, Water and Biodiversity Conservation before I could remove some old-growth timber from a recreational area adjacent to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Russel Norman and his Green Party policies, they turned me down!"
-
BRILLANT, GOOD LAUGH............WATCH TO THE END.
Hello Everyone,
This is hilarious but you really do need to make sure you see past the first applause because it keeps going… watch the red line on the bottom if not sure.
Make sure you watch right to the end. Bloody Good Laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/HPyl2tOaKxM
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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
-
We written news story ;)
-
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mum dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
-
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that,
as women grow older, it becomes harder for
them to maintain the same quality of house
keeping as when they were younger. When
this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled
this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired
a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed. Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the
same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have
lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not
an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some
home-cooked food when I walk through that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but
chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is
one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was
only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a
scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax
for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she might as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience &
consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not
impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating
women get as they get older. However, Chaps, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that
writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing
this letter. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club
jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing.
A sledge hammer was laying nearby.
His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty",
accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.
-
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair . . . kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the f# ing chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
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Five Unshakable Facts
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.