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Author Topic: (Clean) joke thread.  (Read 27177 times)

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Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2010, 11:32:12 AM »

>
> A couple in  Sweetwater  ,  Texas  , had a lot of potted plants. During a
> recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
> protect them from a possible freeze.
 
> It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
> of the plants.. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw
> it go under the sofa.
 
> She let out a very loud scream.
 
> The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
> to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
> sofa.
 
> He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
> that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
> thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
> floor.
 
> His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
> to lie still and called an ambulance.

> The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him
> on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
 
> About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and
> the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
> stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
> hospital.
 
> The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called
> on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
> with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he
> decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
> relief.
 
> But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
> felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake
> rushed back under the sofa.
 
> The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
> revive her.

The neighbour’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
> store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
> husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
> out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
 
> The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour
> lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that
> the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle
> of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
 
> By now, the police had arrived.

> Breathe here...
 
> They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
> drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
> women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
 
> The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his
> sobbing wife.
 
> Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
> the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
> the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered
> and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
 
> The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
> window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
> and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
> smashed into the parked police car.
 
> Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
> department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
> were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
> wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a
> ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
 
> Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
> repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
> right with their world.
 
> A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
> snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they
> should bring in their plants for the night...  And that's when he shot her.
I only know enough to know I don't know enough of what I need to know enough of...

Offline Bubblez

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #31 on: August 26, 2010, 01:15:55 PM »
A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off.

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated." So, the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."

Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #32 on: August 26, 2010, 07:05:45 PM »
I took an IQ test and the results were negative....  :-\

Offline Bubblez

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #33 on: August 29, 2010, 12:46:34 PM »
Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #34 on: September 01, 2010, 12:37:35 PM »
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. - Woody Allen


Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #35 on: September 02, 2010, 09:00:16 PM »
Basic Flying Rules
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #36 on: September 04, 2010, 07:32:05 PM »
The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Holdens

You buy a ford before an engagement ring without her knowing (-10000)
You propose two days later (+15000)
You buy a parts ford (-100)
You sell the parts ford (+300)
You buy another parts ford (-500)
You tell her you are going to sell the ford when it's finished (+20000)
You were only joking (-50000)

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #37 on: October 31, 2010, 10:12:18 PM »
Resimay
To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.   

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..   

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,   
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.   

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.     

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,   

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.   

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRIAN     

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.   


 





 
 
Unless the moral improves the floggings will continue

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #38 on: October 31, 2010, 10:17:33 PM »
Swearing


 
A 7  year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their  bedroom.

'You  know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's  about time we  started  swearing.'

The 4  year old nods his head in approval, so the 7  year old says,
'When we go downstairs  for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you  swear after me,  ok?'

'Ok'  the 4 year old, agrees with  enthusiasm..
The mother walks into  the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what  he
wants for  breakfast.

'Oh,  shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some  Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of  his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got  up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes  out.

She  looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern  voice,
' And what do YOU want  for breakfast, young  man?'

'I  don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be  f****ing Coco Pops'


Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #39 on: October 31, 2010, 10:23:58 PM »
Subject: Irish Password Protection!

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it
 Was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
 ''Bejazus! are yez bloody stupid? Shore Oi was told mi password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!


Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #40 on: October 31, 2010, 10:38:48 PM »
Subject: Irish Vasectomy


 
 
 

Medical advice for doctors (not orthopaedic surgeons) who do not like to do surgery.

No offence to any Irish ancestry or Kiwis or Tasmanians.






 
After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children.. 

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count: 

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This  procedure also works in New Zealand and  Tasmania.
 
 
 
 
 

Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #41 on: November 16, 2010, 08:09:25 PM »
A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure, and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do and to live without regret or fear.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she is the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be more confident, sexy, seductive and INVINCIBLE!




No, wait a minute.....sorry.....I'm thinking of Tequila.
It's Tequila that does all of that.

Never mind.

 :D

Offline Edbear

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #42 on: April 09, 2011, 07:02:11 PM »
I only know enough to know I don't know enough of what I need to know enough of...  ???

Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #43 on: April 10, 2011, 09:41:52 PM »
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT, AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A 
YOUNG PERSON....... A STUDENT!!!


 Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard,  et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot, and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms.      We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU,  the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war,  we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military.  We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry, and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.  You can keep the ABC left wingers, (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown.  You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange.  You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, Lebanese bikies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.

You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban, and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong.        You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.

We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings 

''Imagine,' 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing,' 'Kum Ba Ya,' 'We Are The World,' and his recent big solo hit

'Beds and Batts are Burning.'

We'll practice trickle down economics,        and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag. 

Would you agree to this?  If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative Australians, and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law Student

P.S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. S. S.  And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.


Offline aboutgas

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Re: (Clean) joke thread.
« Reply #44 on: April 10, 2011, 09:44:03 PM »
Somehow this would not surprise me if it is actually true.       
     
               
          A TRUE STORY
 
     Read to the end, it is good.
 
 Cattle Guards

 Australian government at work
You will love this one, I haven't stopped laughing  For those of you who have never travelled to the country , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
 
Last year, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!
 
Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment at the time Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
 
 And now she is running the country.
 
Passed on to you without further comment....   


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